Oregon's rumpl sack races for the trails
I was visiting family in Bend, Oregon and we heard that there was an event supporting the Central Oregon Trail Alliance at the new Loge Camp location on Century Drive.
If you haven’t been to Bend, Oregon – it’s where Oregon’s rich people go to play and Californian’s go to retire. I know this, because I spent over ten years barely able to afford a crappy house three doors down from a meth dealer in the – not so desirable – east side of town. It’s an ideal community that bury it’s poor under yearly Salvation Army Christmas boxes and carefully constructed apartment complexes. They have gleaming exteriors that house shitty slums within. No need to fret, Bendites: the way your real estate market is booming, those fucking poor people will be vacating that apartment soon enough. I know I can’t afford to live there any longer. Does this sound like sour grapes? Damn straight it is!
I digress, the Loge Camps are essentially old motels that have been repurposed for the “youth” with money – or thirtysomethings that wish they were still “youth”. Really, they’re essentially standard motel rooms with bike mounts on the walls and local beer on tap in the lobby. They sell memberships and crap that I’m not writing about here. I’m not opposed to free music and cheap beer however, and that was exactly what we were there for. The music hadn't started up yet and there was a break in the endless demonstrations of bicycles that I would never be able to afford because they cost more than my yearly mortgage. As my brother-in-law was signing up to pay money to COTA for the opportunity to pick up garbage and dog shit as well shovel bark in his spare time, a chirpy announcer's voice came over the PA. Apparently, there was going to be a Rumpl sack race to win a Rumpl. Rumpl was sponsoring the event and wasn’t that nice of Rumpl? Whatever the fucking hell a Rumpl was, they were very excited about this and several enthusiastic aging millennials signed up to take part in this event. Knowing that my fat self had no chance at winning any race but wondering if I should send my competitive sister after the prize, I trailed the hopeful participants to the information table. It was there that I was introduced to the fucking majesty that is the Rumpl.
For the uninitiated, a Rumpl is a half of a sleeping bag. Yup-that’s it. One fucking half of a sleeping bag. You can buy your half of a sleeping bag as a "throw” for a hundred dollars. It’s like someone ripped the zipper off one of those children’s slumber bags and replaced My Little Pony with wavy lines or a screen print of a national park postcard. For an extra 79 dollars, this half of a sleeping bag is fitted with a hood and you can wear it as a fucking poncho. I looked at it and laughed. Everything is covered but the person's dangling arms. Seriously, like their arms don't get cold? It was like the world’s most awkward down vest.
I continued to laugh about it as I walked into the café and bought myself a beer. Then I looked at the idiot to my left. Yeah, he was wearing a Rumpl. People were actually wearing these things, wandering around like hip Teletubbies, crouched in front of gas fire pits and gesturing earnestly towards the bicycles that I wouldn’t buy, even if I could afford to. I’m a bit old. As a child of the 80s I’ve seen some seriously stupid shit in my life. Moon boots come to mind. After you wear those 80s icons once, you have to put bread bags over them to stop the fucking things from leaking (I apologize to those with fond memories of moon boots, but you know I’m right -they were fucking useless). What I’m trying to say, is this: I’d rather wear bread bag covered moonboots than a Rumpl poncho.
As much as I’d love to blame the Rumpl for this fucking stupidity (yes, “fucking” stupidity because you’re getting screwed), the blame lies at the feet of the liberal, rich, white people who choose to spend their money on this kind of crap instead of anything of substance...like, books maybe, or a charity - hell, even a good set of knives.
Nationally, we’re living under a tyrannical administration that claims “fiscal responsibility” but supports an indulgent capitalist economy that promotes the manufacture of expensive crap...as long as it sells. It’s “fiscally responsible” to fuck over social services, inner city school districts, or defund the national parks but, they want us go to fucking town manufacturing crap that take up residence in our landfills the next year or that we eventually clean out of our waterways five years later. The Trump Administration didn’t invent this double standard, but they seem hell-bent to perfect this shit. At least the Trump Administration boldly Tweets how it will screw us over. The supposedly liberal people, nestled within their liberal states, who buy this crap and support this model of economic fuckary should be ashamed of themselves for their mindless, shortsighted, complicit consumerism. In a way, they’re worse than the bald face capitalistic pursuits of the Trump administration because these Rumpl wearing fucks are better liars – claiming to abhor our consumer culture while pursuing it as if an orgasm awaits them at the conclusion of every purchase.
This isn’t to say that I’m any different. We’re all fucking capitalistic pigs because we work and consume in a capitalistic economic system. I don’t care if you wrap your food in bees’ wax wraps and have exorcized every piece of plastic from your house. If you make money and spend it, you’re part of the system. There is no out without revolt...and it’s hard to revolt in a Rumpl.